Dealing with Toxic Relationships
We've all had them. We've all been there. Some of us are still in them and some of us saw the light and escaped, running off into the sunset with our inner-peace!
A toxic relationship doesn't have to be with a partner, it can be a friend, a relative, a work colleague, the guy that serves you in the local store, an ex you have a child with, or even said ex's latest girlfriend.
Whoever it is and for whatever reason this relationship has gone south, sticking around and putting up with toxic behaviour and energy is not helping anybody.
You need to surround yourself with relationships which raise you up, encourage you, uplift you, support you and respect you. Anything less just isn't worth your air time and is opening you up to more toxic relationships to enter your life.
Anything less just isn't worth your air time and is opening you up to more toxic relationships to enter your life.
Setting boundaries, sticking to them and letting people know what the boundaries are is ultimately going to lead to a happier life for you and those around you.
Your really not doing anyone any favours by allowing their toxic behaviour to continue. They do it to you and its ok, so they do it to others, except others may not keep taking it like you do, eventually they are going to be left feel pretty lonely, wondering what they did wrong, after all you like them, right? you never complain like this, right?!
Most people won't recognise that their behaviour is having a negative impact on you, they may not even be doing it intentionally, which is why you need to set boundaries, put your big girl pants on, and actually tell them what your boundaries are! If they choose to keep over stepping the mark and repeating the behaviour, then your free to choose too, choose to stick around and jump right back on that never-ending ride, or choose to walk away.
Choose happiness. Choose freedom. Choose inner peace.
The Dalai Lama said 'Happiness is not ready made, it comes from your own actions'
If we want to live a happy life then we must take steps to create it. Its not selfish, its necessary. Whats the point of your life if your not happy? How are you going to teach your kids to be happy if you can't even prioritise or master it?
Right, so you know you have a toxic relationship in your life (perhaps even several), you know for your own happiness, self-worth and peace you need to set boundaries and stick to them, but how?!
I have listed out some healthy boundaries you can have in place to help ensure your not in toxic relationships. Read through them and see which ones spark any emotions for you, or perhaps they will prompt some that are not on the list.
- Being able to say no when you want to without feeling guilty.
- Not feeling responsible for other peoples happiness.
- Feeling supported with your goals.
- Not allowing negative comments to be directed at you or your loved ones.
- Not being lied to.
- Not being manipulated.
- Having a voice.
- Having a mutual level of respect for each other.
- Being treated as an equal.
- Saying yes because you want to, not out of obligation.
- Leaving situations that are harmful to you.
- Not being made to feel accountable for other peoples mistakes.
Remember setting your boundaries is your own responsibility. YOU decide what is and isn't allowed in your life.
Growing up my Mum always used to say to me "People only treat you the way you allow them to"
Amen to that!
Its so true and it has set me in good stead for an adult life of knowing my worth, valueing myself and accepting responsibility for the relationships I have. Sitting back and taking it has never been my strong point!
This leads to open, honest and real relationships where everyone knows where they stand, everyone knows what the other persons limit is and they know what to expect if they decide to disrespect it. They can expect me to walk, skip, run into the horizon, knowing that there are better relationships out there that are more suited to my need for respect, honesty, loyalty and support.
But this isn't a one way street, its all about giving that back too. Treating people how you would like them to treat you. Showing them the same level of respect that you show yourself (or are going to start to!) and being in a mutually great relationship.
This also doesn't mean I have run from every relationship, I have many amazing relationships which have stood the test of time, my oldest and dearest friend has been by my side since we were 11 years old. We have had our moments, but one thing she always knows for sure is that if something doesn't sit right with me I will communicate about it, I will get it out there, so we can both talk and understand why things happened the way they did and move past it, knowing that we each recognise each other boundaries and love and respect ourselves and each other enough not to cross that line again.
This is also so great for your health, when people do something which causes you negativity, be it anger, sadness or a feeling of being unvalued, and you just take it and don't say anything, you store this emotion in your body. That negative emotion is going to find a way out one way or another, so if your not going to have a calm conversation with the other person and let them know what they did wasn't ok, how it made you feel and what your boundary is, then your going to swallow it down into your body where it will fester and eventually find a physical outlet.
It has been scientifically proven that our negative emotions have an impact on all the cells in our body, so thing like anger, resentment, bitterness, jealousy, sadness and unworthiness all filter down and create a toxic environment within our bodies.
Toxic relationships are literally causing us to have toxic bodies!
This has to stop!
In the words of Dr. Phil; "There is no virtue in tolerating a toxic relationships"
"There is no virtue in tolerating negative relationships" - Dr. Phil
A relationship which is built on lies and deception can have no future. Its not bringing good to anyone involved. And it needs to be made clear that until their lies stop there will be no trust and potentially no relationship.
It would be great to live in a world where we all got along, skipping merrily along the road of life braiding each others hair and singing kum by yah, but its not the reality. We are all human, we ALL make mistakes.
However, we ALL have the potential to learn from our mistakes, to grow and blossom as the years steadily roll by. Having people around us who love and respect us enough to be honest and call us out on our crap is good for us, it helps us. But if someone doesn't want to take ownership for their crap, doesn't want to change and doesn't want to show you the love, respect and support you deserve then it could be time to cash in your fairground tokens and get off of that ride.